Monday, April 24, 2017

AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS - PART TWO - Why doesn't everyone agree with me?

I still remember the car trip like it was yesterday. I had just spent the weekend in Mt Gambier with my youth group. It was a long drive back to Melbourne, so I opted to avoid the stinky church bus filled with ratty boys and jumped into the car of a young woman who had recently joined our church. I was 15 years old, leading a sheltered existence within my church and faith-based school.

The car trip was progressing nicely with interesting banter about life when suddenly, my travelling companion dropped a 'moral bomb' on me. She casually mentioned that she goes to the pub on a Friday night to have a drink with her friends. What? The driver of my car professed to be a Christian AND drinks alcohol? I began to feel sick, my ears became blocked and began to throb. I felt dizzy. I had to get out of the car. My driver was an alcoholic!!!!!

Conversation became strained after this confession and I was eager to get back on the smelly bus at the next McDonald's stop. The young woman obviously sensed my disapproval as I don't recall ever seeing her at church again after this event. In hindsight, I have no doubt that this woman was nothing but a social drinker, but at the time, I didn't know how to respond to this variation on my worldview.

The reason this situation arose was that I had been raised in a home where alcohol was not consumed. In fact I signed a declaration at seven, and later at fourteen, declaring I would never consume 'intoxicating liquor'. This declaration was part of a larger document that also outlined the spiritual beliefs that I understood to be true. Unfortunately, as the declaration to not drink alcohol was on the same sheet of paper, I had wrongly come to presume that not drinking alcohol was an integral part of my faith - and no one had told me any different.

Faced with someone who held a variation to my world view terrified me. I was ill-equipped to understand that it was possible to maintain a warm friendship with someone who made different choices to me, no matter how great or small.

My parents had every right to educate me in the Christian worldview and to hope (and pray) that I would continue to follow in that path. However, I had wrongly come to believe that some things, such as not drinking alcohol, were a core belief because I didn't fully understand some aspects of the worldview I was learning about. I also hadn't learnt that some people will hold variations to my beliefs and others will believe something that is in total opposition to what I believe.

So how do we encourage our children to follow our own worldview without developing a fear or disrespect for the views of others? The current debates over our refugee policy and same-sex marriage has mobilized dozens of lobby groups each with distinct worldviews, vying to declare what is the 'correct' response to these issues. Sadly, as the debates continue, the arguments are going beyond the core issue to criticism of the belief systems of others. This is incredibly sad and perpetuates this fear of others and their beliefs.

So how do we raise well-balanced young people who hold a distinct worldview, can develop a viewpoint and express it in a way that displays tolerance and respect for others?

Here is my feeble attempt:

1) If you wish your child to follow your worldview, whatever it is, explain to them what you believe and why. Give your child logical, well-thought out information. Give them information about what you believe at age appropriate times. Avoid emotion-loaded propaganda about your worldview or that of someone else.

2) Encourage your child to ask questions, express their doubts and challenge your worldview. If your worldview cannot stand-up to the questions of a twelve year old, may I suggest you pick a more robust worldview?

3) Point out the similarities and differences between your worldview and others. BUT, do so in a way that is respectful of the other worldviews and the people that hold them. Teach your child to ask questions of others respectfully and to present their perspective without 'lecturing' or 'arguing'.

4) Coach your children in the art of not being visibly shocked or offended by the views of others, no matter how wild or wacky they may appear to be. Teach them that they can be friends with people who hold different worldviews and that there is actually the potential to learn from them.

5) Finally, teach your child to maintain their own values and principles even when other people are doing things they don't agree with. Respecting the views of others does not mean allowing them to push you into doing things you don't want to do.

Just for the record, a few short years after this fateful car trip, I started working for a Melbourne-based Airline and discovered the joys of hanging out with my workmates at the pub on a Friday after work. I still didn't drink, but I learnt that I could have a great night out with people who come at life from a whole different perspective!


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

AWKWARD CONVERSATION – PART ONE – THOSE NAUGHTY WORDS.


*Trigger warning – This post contains vocabulary and themes that may not be appropriate for your children. Please wait until after your children go to bed to read this one!


It was 35 years ago, and yet my mother still has difficulty getting over possibly one of ‘her’ most embarrassing moments. I was 7, my sisters had moved out of home and I rarely had friends over to play games with. My parents had brought a traveling preacher home for dinner one evening and whilst mum prepared dinner, this very kind gentleman offered to play a game with me. Problem was, we were playing checkers, which requires someone to go first. Rather than taking the liberty of going first, I decided to choose who should start by using the very reliable and yet random method known as ‘eenie meenie, miney, mo’ (Spelling of the rhyme provided by Justin Bieber in his song – Eenie meenie – cheers Justin!).

And so I began…….
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo
Catch a n@$?@r by the toe
If he hollers, let him go
Eeenie, meenie, miney, mo

My mum came running into the living room quite flustered. “Louise, where did you learn that?”
She then turned to our guest, “I’m so sorry, I’ve never heard her say that before!”
I was totally confused. What did I do wrong? I don’t think our guest was embarrassed by it, his cheeks weren’t red, but it was hard to tell as he did have particularly dark skin on account of his African heritage.

With much blustering and hand gesturing, I surmised that I had used a word that for some reason was offensive for people with dark skin. To be honest, it wasn’t until I read ‘To kill a mockingbird’ that I truly realised just what emotions my use of that word would have evoked for our dinner guest all those years ago.

As I said in my introductory blog, many of our parents were brought up in an era where we avoided discussing things that were thought to be private or indelicate. The word ‘nigger’ was one of those words.

When I am faced with my children uttering words that make my ears turn a little pink, I try to take the following approach:

1)  Approach my children calmly, without a trace of anger.

2) Ask them to repeat the full sentence or phrase they uttered. It is quite possible they have mispronounced a different word and had no idea how the word sounded to me. A quick lesson in how to pronounce their intended word correctly should do the trick.

3) If my child has indeed said a ‘bad word’, ask them if they know what it means. If they already know the meaning, you may need to simply explain to them why we don’t use the word and the offence the word may cause to other listeners. Due to my adherence to the Christian worldview, I would explain to my children that I want them to use words that build up and encourage other people. Using words that put people down or may cause other people offence goes against that goal.

If it turns out that my child does not have a full understanding of the word being used, then I would explain the word in terms that are age appropriate. 

If the word is related to a person’s cultural heritage or appearance, I may say something like, “This word is used by people who want to be unkind to men and women with dark skin/who come from Asia/have an intellectual disability. It is a word that is often used to convey hate and anger. I know you didn’t mean it this way, but it may still cause pain to other people who hear it. Please don’t say it again.” If the child is older, I may even give them a book or article to read about the history of the people group they are speaking about. 

If the word is related to sexuality, I would definitely tailor my explanation to what the child already knows. For your average 5-12 year old, I might take this approach. “The word you just said is an impolite/rude/crass way of talking about something that God originally created for adults to enjoy. It is a not a word that that should be used for fun. When you use it, you are taking something very special and using it to hurt and offend others.” 

If the child is older, I may say, “That word is a crass way of talking about sex/female genitals etc.  I will tell you what those words mean, but I want you to refer to these things by their proper term and in the proper context from now on.”



Once children are armed with the true meaning of what they are saying and understand the impact the word may have upon other people, it is hoped they should stop using the word. If a child continues to use the word, then you may be dealing with an ongoing issue of disobedience rather than a mild case of ‘potty-mouth’.   


The days of parents turning red-faced and embarrassed or angry really should be over. If we want our children and teenagers to come to us to ask about ‘taboo’ subjects, they need to trust us to give them a balanced, honest, helpful response. We need to lay the foundations for that from a very early age and establish a long track record of trust and unflappable honesty. If we don’t, there will be plenty of peers, teachers, web sites and worse, that will fill in the gaps….and believe me, you really don’t want that!

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Awkward Conversations - An introduction

When I was about 10, I asked my mother how you told the difference between male and female cats. She acted puzzled for a moment and then said 'I think you can tell by looking at their faces'. As we only had one male cat at the time, I was unable to compare his face to any other cats, so I had to just presume that it was the case. 

When I was fourteen we had sex education at school. The boys were separated from the girls. I had no idea what boys would have to talk about when it came to the birds and the bees. To this point in time, all I knew on the matter had come from a 1970's book that was presented to me in a brown paper bag and filled with grainy pastel illustrations. Incidentally, I only owned that book for 6 months as it was taken off me in order to give it to my school friend whose 15 year old sister had found herself pregnant. But I digress......

In year 8 sex education, the boys went to one classroom and the girls to another. I wondered what was going on in the boys' lesson. So I went home and asked my mum about it, asking if boys also had a monthly menstrual cycle. She said they didn't. It would be many years before I fully understood what the boys were talking about in their 'secret lessons'.

Although I am highlighting the things that my mum didn't tell me. I am well aware that most people 30 years old and above would have had a similar experience to me. Our baby-booming parents were brought up in an era where politeness and delicacy in conversations was paramount. Matters were discussed using euphemisms that only the enlightened understood, such as 'you're a young woman now', 'that special time of the month'. My mum didn't set out to deceive me or leave me in the dark, she just didn't have the vocabulary and confidence to tell me how it really was.

Sadly, there are plenty of kids in the playground and even teachers in the classroom who are happy to tell your children all about the facts of life, along with a whole lot of other matters that used to be the responsibility of parents to tackle. Although it may be the more convenient and less awkward option, when you leave it up to another person to tell your children about the important issues of life, they also subtly communicate their own values and beliefs on the topic. If you want your child to understand and respect your perspective on these delicate matters, then you need to be the one to explain them from your viewpoint. 

Over the next few weeks, I am going to explore some of these awkward conversations and suggest ways that you could tackle them. Ideally, you will read my ideas and then improve upon them and adapt them for your own family context. You will also find that as you read my thoughts, you will also get an idea of my personal worldview. Many of you will agree with it, others of you will see things very differently. Despite our differences, we still need to have these conversations with our children, the way we approach the conversations may be similiar, but the content of the conversations may be different. That's okay. I just want you to have those conversations so that your children aren't left to connect the dots with unpleasant consequences. 

So strap yourselves in, throw out your 1980's rule book on raising children and get ready to have some conversations that aren't really that awkward after
all.............

Thursday, April 6, 2017

NEWS FLASH "CROYDON HILLS WOMAN TAKES CHILDREN BIKE RIDING"

This morning a Croydon Hills woman shocked onlookers when she went for a bike ride with her seven and nine year old children at 9 a.m. in the morning. She left the security of her home without her phone, purse or a supply of snack-food for the children. Armed only with her bike helmet and a positive outlook, she set off into the wilds of Croydon Hills.
'My wife would never choose to take the kids bike riding, let alone go riding on her own bike', her bewildered husband commented. 'I just looked out the window and there they all were, casually riding down the street.'
What makes this incident even more puzzling is that the woman went riding without a clear idea of where they were going and what hill climbs may be involved. 
'I knew there was a big park near our house with a bit of a path around it, so I thought we would just ride there.' the mother commented. 'However, things took a turn for the worse when we discovered that the circuit we had chosen to ride around ended up with a significant hill climb in order to get home.' the middle aged mother stated. When asked if she will attempt such a feat again she replied 'I think next time, I will put my kids bikes in the boot and drive them to a local park that we know has flat bike paths. Proximity to a coffee shop would also be helpful.'
It remains to be seen whether this mother will ever take her children bike riding again.


For those readers who know me personally, you will appreciate just what a feat it was to take my children bike riding without my husband. He is a keen cyclist and even has a bike for riding on the road and a bike for riding 'off road'. I find that bewildering! However, my kids and I joined up for a promotion called 'Active April', where you endeavour to do 30 minutes of exercise a day plus my children were fighting like cat and dog this morning, so I had to get them out and do something! Things really did start very well. There were a few shaky moments, like when my daughter's head band that she was holding in her hand (in addition to the handle bars) landed on the ground and her brother didn't really feel like assisting her in retrieving it. There was also the moment when my son discovered that he didn't really like the feel of gravel slipping beneath his tyres. However, this paled into insignificance when we had to walk a couple of hundred metres up a steep footpath in order to get home. One child took it in their stride. They just pushed their bike at a steady pace, knowing that our house was just around the corner. My other child found the effort involved in pushing the bike up the hill to be all too much. Sadly, as I was busy pushing my own bike, I was unable to help them. So, I listened to the moaning as we mounted the hill. 'I feel sick! I think I'm going to vomit!' were regular cries. However, suddenly the weary child dropped the most incredible phrase.

'I can't believe I'm doing this when I'm not even going to get a certificate for it!'

What!?!?! Are you kidding me? What do you mean you're not even getting a certificate for this? Do I offer certificates for other school holiday activities? Does the activity only find it's value in what recognition you get afterwards?

I've got to say, I was truly shocked that my child felt that their situation was so much worse because they wouldn't get concrete recognition of their efforts. Did I fail as a mother in allowing my children to think this way?

Maybe, maybe not.

I promise you, I don't give out certificates to my children for getting dressed in the morning, having a shower, playing in the playground or even being kind to a difficult house guest.

However, their sporting clubs give my children certificates or 'rewards' for getting through a term of weekly lessons. My children each get the chance to be 'student of the week' at school and are guaranteed at least two certificates a year from their classroom teacher. The maths program our school uses gives the children weekly progress certificates that they can print out and put on the wall. When my son does his ICAS tests later this year, he will get a certificate of participation, no matter what score he gets.

I have a large plastic tub full of certificates, 'special memory' book and even a trophy or two for my kids. The only certificates I received were for piano exams and the one I received during Year 10 careers week for being the "Best Interviewed Student". I didn't even get a certificate when I was 'Checkout Operator of the Month' at Safeway Blackburn North - what's with that?

Somewhere along the line, my child has concluded that you only push yourself hard when you know there is a tangible reward at the end. The fact that they were engaging in exercise, exploring the neighbourhood, seeing their mother on a bike for the first time ever - none of that was rewarding enough. But a piece of glossy paper sent through the printer would make it right? How did this happen!

Well, as I pushed my own bike up the hill, I thought, 'Things are going to have to change'. I need to make less of a fuss when my children do things that are 'normal, everyday activities'. I need to stop doing a congratulatory song and dance every time my children clean their room or get through a day without physically or verbally attacking their sibling. I also need to model doing things without expecting gratitude or recognition, because that is how life is sometimes. Oh - and bribes - I probably need to stop telling my children that they will get a treat or be able to watch t.v. if they clean their room.

My hope is that if I get the balance right, my children will start to do great things because they enjoy the experience in itself or recognise the long-term benefits of engaging in the task, even if it is unpleasant in the short-term.

One day, my children are going to have to persevere with their school work, or keep going with a monotonous task at work and they won't be given a shiny certificate to recognise their efforts. If I don't start changing my childrens' expectations now, we all might be in for a rough road ahead!




Sunday, April 2, 2017

Keeping sane in the holidays.....

I love school holidays. I always have. I loved them when I was a student, and I could stay in my pyjamas until lunchtime (or later). I loved them when I caught the train to  university and later, work, and didn't have to stand up whilst year 8's from the local private schools took all the seats! I loved them when I could drive up Nepean Highway to my 'city job' a little more quickly as many drivers were holidaying. When I was a school teacher............well that's obvious! And now as a parent, I love getting to spend time with my children when they are well rested and we are not constantly racing to school and after-school commitments at a set time.

Despite the many benefits of school holidays - having your gorgeous children hanging around the house day in, day out, can become tricky. This is especially true if your children are the type that find it hard to go off to their rooms to play quietly or you need to get on with housework or paid work whilst the children are at home. I am certainly not an expert in this, but here are some ideas I am trying out these holidays. Many of my suggestions are based on my location in the Eastern suburbs of Melbourne, but there will be similar options wherever you live.

1)

Apologies for the dodgy pic, it is Sunday night and I want to be authentic in what I share. 

ANYHOO.....I have made a super-simple table where I have divided each day of the week into thee sections. In the far left column, I have three times listed. 8:00 a.m., 12:00 and 3:00 p.m. Across the top of the table I have listed the days of the week. 

The idea is to plan activities in two out of three sections each day. I have written in some things that I already have planned. A bike ride with friends, a visit with Nana, a trip to the park. At the top, my children have added in their own ideas of things they would like to do. These are things that we will do during the times we don't have pre-planned activities. For the one un-planned section of each day, I will be expecting my children to spend at least an hour entertaining themselves without my involvement or the use of electronic devices. I will also allow them to watch tv or a DVD during this section of time. In an ideal world, I would love my children to be tv free, but I get tired, they get tired, and the tv gives us all some welcome down time. (That's usually when I go and have my nana nap).


2) Plan some fun outings. Going somewhere with another family from school, church, playgroup etc is a great way to take the pressure off you. Going out with your childrens' friends gives them someone to talk to on the outing which means you aren't always having to answer questions. It may also be a wonderful opportunity to get to know another parent. 

Here are some options I am thinking about for my children these holidays:

Melbourne Museum - 'Brickman Wonders of the World' 

I love a day out at the Melbourne Museum. The Childrens' gallery has just been renovated and is well worth a visit. Entry is free for kids and people holding a Health Care or Concession card. Adults are $14 each. Entry into the Brickman exhibition is additional. I would advise purchasing tickets on-line and booking the 10 a.m. session as you will be the first ones into the exhibit and will get to look around without the crowds that inevitably grow throughout the morning.

As far as parking goes, I usually get a free parking spot on Barkly Street or Murchison Street. It may take an extra 10 minutes to find a spot but it saves some money and the walk through the Carlton Gardens in Autumn is quite 'refreshing'. (Especially at 9:45 a.m.) Take along a packed lunch and you can store you backpack in the cloak room whilst you wander around the museum. When it gets close to lunchtime, grab a take-away coffee from the cafe and eat your picnic lunch outside near the playground.  

https://museumvictoria.com.au/melbournemuseum/whats-on/brickman-wonders-of-the-world/


Roller Skating 

This idea is a little 'retro' but my kids love it! Our favourite roller skating destination is Bayswater Roller City. On first look, it would appear that nothing has changed since you went there for Youth Group in 1989. However, the skating surface is not the usual hard concrete, so the children don't smash their knees every time they fall over. 

Their website has a voucher so that you can get two for one entry. When you pick up your skates, you can let the attendant know if your children are inexperienced skaters. They can tighten up the wheels on the roller skates so that they have a little more control over how fast the wheels turn. I love this feature. BUT, the real gem at Bayswater is the DJ! No longer do the kids spend 3 hours rolling around in circles, the roller skating session is punctuated by games, competitions and even roller-dancing, which gets all the kids involved and staying in the rink. 

Check the website for changes to session times, but at the time of writing this blog, the holiday sessions were running from 12-4.

http://bayswaterrollerskating.com.au/


Cooking

There are some parents out there who just LOVE cooking with their kids. I do enjoy the experience as long as I am in the right frame of mind. For this reason, I never let my children know that I am planning on a cooking session until we are just about to do it. I like to give myself the ability to back out at the last minute if I don't think the children are calm enough to enter into the experience safely. By that I mean, their over-the-top enthusiasm doesn't drive me to the brink of insanity resulting in me  getting cranky with them for no real reason!

Some little tips that I find helpful.

1) Make sure you have a fair idea of the recipe steps and the techniques the children will need to use to make the food. Perhaps the children aren't ready to use the mini-blow torch on the meringues quite yet????  Also check that the recipe doesn't require things to stand overnight or marinate for 3 days - having to wait days to eat your cooking is a cruel form of torture.

2) Line up the required ingredients and equipment on the bench ready to go. Allow the children to do as much measuring, weighing and egg-cracking as possible. Having all the things you need will ensure that you never have to turn your back on what they are doing. All my kitchen disasters and arguments have occurred when I turn my back. However, if your little darling manages to crack an egg on the side of the bench and then drop it on the floor - don't worry! We all make mistakes and dropping, spilling and splashing stuff is something we have all done. Chill out and don't scare your kids out of the kitchen by getting angry with them for doing something due to their youth and inexperience.

Playspace and bike path hunt 

With more and more apartment and townhouse dwellings being built, and the size of the average Aussie backyard shrinking, local councils are seeing the importance of creating places where families can go and enjoy the great outdoors. City councils provide a list of playgrounds and bike paths on their website, including information about the provision of accessible equipment, toilets, bbqs and in some cases, coffee shops. There are some amazing playgrounds hidden in some obscure places. There are also some woeful playgrounds that are not even worth stopping the car at. Pack some snacks and get ready for a drive around the neighbourhood finding playgrounds that will burn some energy and help develop your kids strength.

Here is the list for the City of Maroondah, my local area.

http://www.maroondah.vic.gov.au/GreenSpace.aspx


Holidays are an absolute joy if you are prepared. Yet they can also be a very long, tedious experience if you don't think ahead.

What ideas do you have for school holidays?